You Matched! Now what? A Guide to Sending the First Message …

Maybe you both said yes to a Connection Request.
Maybe you matched with someone on a dating app.
Either way, you now have an opportunity to get to know someone new.

And then comes the question: what do I say in my first message?

What Do I Say?

You don't need a clever opening line or the perfect message.

Your goal is much simpler: greet them warmly, mention something you noticed about them, and give them an easy way into the conversation.

For example:

"Hi Maya! I'm glad we connected. I saw that you're always looking for a good horror movie. Have you seen anything lately that's actually scary?"

"Hi Alex! Nice to meet you! You mentioned that you love trying new restaurants. What's one place you'd happily go back to?"

"Hey Daniel! I'm glad we matched. I saw that you've gotten into pottery recently. What made you decide to try it?"

That's enough to start.

You aren't trying to impress someone with one text.
Don't worry about being funny, witty, flirty, or anything else that doesn't come naturally.

You're simply giving the other person an easy way to begin a conversation with you.

Review Their Profile

Not sure what to talk about? Go back to their profile or the Connection Request.

Look for one thing that genuinely makes you curious.
Maybe they mentioned a favorite TV show, an unusual hobby, a sport they follow, a pet, a recent trip, a game they love, or something the two of you have in common.

Then ask about it.

"You said you're learning to bake bread. What's been your most successful attempt so far?"

"I saw that you went to Iceland! What made you choose Iceland?"

"I noticed the dog in a few of your photos. Is that yours? What's their name?"

"You mentioned that you love used bookstores. Do you have a favorite one?"

You don't need to come up with the most interesting question imaginable.
You just need somewhere to start.

Referencing something specific also shows the other person that you thoughtfully read their profile and have a genuine interest in getting to know them.

Especially on Dating Apps: Make It Personal

People on dating apps may receive a lot of messages. Some users send essentially the same opening to every person:

"Hey."

"How are you?"

"How's your weekend going?"

There's nothing wrong with saying hello.
But a generic message puts most of the work of starting the conversation on the other person.
It also makes them wonder if you even bothered to read their profile, or the bio attached to the Connection Request.

Compare:

"Hi! How are you?"

with:

"Hi Kate! I saw that you're a big Stephen King reader. If I were going to read just one of his books, which one would you tell me to start with?"

Now Kate has something to respond to — and she knows you actually read her profile.

Personal doesn't need to mean complicated. Or long.

One Question at a Time

Try not to send someone five questions at once.

A long message can feel overwhelming.
Someone might open it, see several things they need to answer, decide they'll respond later — and then never get around to it.

Instead of:

"What do you do for work? Where do you live? I’m in DC. I like going for runs. Do you ever go for runs? We could go together. Would you want to do that sometime?”

Pick one place to start.

"You mentioned that you volunteer at an animal shelter. How did you get involved with that?"

Then give them time to answer.
Their answer can help you figure out where the conversation goes next.
You don't need to have the next five questions planned in advance.

Don't Turn It Into an Interview

Good conversations include questions, but they also include sharing.

Let's say you ask:

"You mentioned that you love live music. What kind?"

They answer:

"Mostly indie and alternative. I've been to three concerts this summer."

You could respond:

"Three concerts in one summer is impressive! I haven't been to one in forever. Which was your favorite?"

You responded to what they actually said, shared something about yourself, and gave them another easy opportunity to talk.

That's reciprocity.

Ideally, the other person will do this too.
They'll ask questions about you, respond to things you share, introduce new topics, or find other ways to keep the conversation moving.

If you're asking all the questions and the other person isn't showing much curiosity about you, notice that.
It doesn't automatically mean they aren't interested.
They may be nervous, unsure what to ask, or have less experience with reciprocal conversation … or it can also be a sign that they aren't very interested.

You don't have to figure out which one it is after three texts. Just notice the pattern.

You Don't Have to Make Plans Immediately

A match means you're both interested enough to learn a little more.
That's it.

You don't have to know whether you want to date this person yet.
You don't have to immediately ask them out.
And you definitely don't need to decide whether they're relationship material based on the first few messages.

Start with a conversation.

As you talk, notice:

Are they asking about you, too?

Do you both contribute?

Does the conversation become a little easier as you go?

Do you enjoy hearing from them?

Are you curious to know more?

If the conversation is going well, then you can think about the next step.

Remember: They Said Yes, Too

Sending the first message can still feel scary, even after you've matched.

But remember: you're not bothering someone who hasn't expressed interest. They said yes, too.

You don't need to perform.
You don't need the perfect opening line.
And you don't need to suddenly become funnier, flirtier, or more outgoing than you actually are.

Say an enthusiastic hello.

Show them you noticed something about who they are.

Ask one question that gives them somewhere to go.

Then see what happens.