Constellations Discussion

Today, we’ll explore:

Why excitement or enthusiasm can sometimes come across as intensity
Difference between oversharing and healthy vulnerability
How trust builds over time
How to identify reciprocity

This is a supportive, judgment-free space.

Please stay muted when not speaking.
Ask questions in the chat or with the “raised hand” tool anytime.

Presented by Kate Harrington

Founder of Harrington Matchmaking & Constellations program
Based in the Washington, D.C. metro area
Known for working with neurodivergent adults

Contact Information

kate@harringtonmatchmaking.com
harringtonmatchmaking.com
@katewhdc

The Promise of New Connections

We can feel excitement when we meet someone new that we connect with.

This excitement can happen in friendships, dating, and in the workplace.

We may suddenly feel:

• understood

• accepted

• hopeful

• relieved

• energized

Finding someone who "gets us" can feel especially meaningful if we’ve had trouble connecting with others in the past.

The challenge is that excitement sometimes moves faster than trust can be built.

Connection can develop quickly.

Trust, however, must develop through repeated experiences over time.

Connection and Trust Are Different Things

Many people accidentally treat connection and trust as if they are the same thing. They are not.

Connection is:

• enjoying someone's company

• shared interests

• chemistry

• feeling understood

Trust is:

• reliability

• consistency

• emotional safety

• seeing how someone behaves over time

Again, you can feel connected to someone very quickly.

Trust should require much more time.

We need time to see whether a person’s words and actions align consistently.

Words are easy. Actions are proof. Trust is built on actions.

We need time to observe a person’s repeated actions and if they do what they say they are going to do.

When we share deeply before trust has had time to develop, the relationship can start carrying more emotional weight than it is ready for.

Why Trust Needs Time

Imagine walking into a job interview.

You've been there for five minutes. Then the company says: "You're amazing. We'd like to make you CEO."

At first, that sounds flattering. But most people would quickly think: "Wait... you don't even know me yet."

You haven't earned that level of trust, responsibility, or confidence.

So it starts to feel a little off.

Relationships work similarly.

When someone decides after one conversation that you're exactly what they've been looking for, many people have the same reaction: "How could you know that already? You don’t even really know me. Your judgment must be off."

Trust, intimacy, and closeness are things we earn through repeated positive experiences over time.

Not through one great conversation.

Not through strong feelings.

Not through hope.

Connection can happen quickly. Trust takes longer.

Example: Ryan and Elana

“Ryan” was excited to meet “Elana” at a Constellations event last week.

Ryan talked for 30 minutes to Elana at the party. They had a great conversation and felt chemistry through shared interests.

The next day, Ryan reached out to the Constellations team and asked to be connected to Elana.
Elana consented to Ryan’s Connection Request. The Constellations team then provided Ryan with Elana’s phone number.

The next day Ryan texted Elana.
This was his second message:

Nothing Ryan said is untrue.

This is Ryan’s personal experience.

Elana saw the message and decided to write to the Constellations team:

What's happening?

The main issue isn't exactly the information.

The main issue is that the connection between Ryan and Elana has not grown enough to support this emotional weight.
The relationship wasn’t ready for this intensity.

Ryan's message contained two different things.

The first is personal information:

"I was bullied growing up."
"My last relationship ended badly."
"I struggle with loneliness."

Those are personal disclosures about tense experiences and negative feelings.

The second part is different:

Ryan wrote, "I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work out with you."

This is an intense statement.

What Ryan said places pressure on Elana.
It suggests that Ryan's emotional well-being may depend on Elana.

Take a moment to imagine being Elana.

Different Perspectives

Ryan already sees the connection as very important.

Elana hasn't had enough time to decide what the connection means to her.

The relationship exists at two very different stages in each person's mind.

Ryan is acting from the perspective of a close relationship.

Elana is still deciding whether she wants any relationship at all.

That's why she experiences him as "intense."

Not because Ryan is a bad person.

Not because his feelings are wrong.

But because his emotional investment is significantly ahead of the actual stage of the relationship.

Intensity often happens when one person's emotional investment grows much faster than the relationship itself.

Discussion Break:

What do you think of what occurred between Ryan and Elana?

Have you been in a similar situation? Which side?

Healthy Vulnerability: Rewrite Ryan’s Texts

Option A: Hide everything and be superficial.

Option B: Tell someone your deepest struggles immediately.

There is a huge middle ground.

All three messages are still vulnerable.

Ryan is revealing something real about himself.

He is not pretending to be perfect.

He is not playing games.

He is not acting detached.

He's communicating genuine feelings.

The difference is that he's sharing information that helps Elana know him better without making Elana responsible for his emotional well-being.

Let’s Talk About Oversharing

Oversharing is not simply talking a lot.

Oversharing is often sharing a level of emotional information that the relationship has not yet earned.

Ryan struggled with oversharing when it came to his personal experiences.

The issue is usually timing rather than honesty.

Oversharing Examples:

• Sharing deeply personal trauma with someone you just met

• Revealing highly private information before trust exists

• Treating a new connection like a therapist

• Expecting emotional closeness that has not had time to develop

Many people overshare because they are trying to create connection.

Unfortunately, it can sometimes create pressure instead.

As we always say in Constellations, pressure is poison to our relationships.

Why Do People Overshare?

Oversharing is usually not caused by bad intentions.

Common reasons include:

• loneliness

• excitement

• anxiety

• fear of losing the connection

• wanting to feel understood

• wanting reassurance

• ADHD-related impulsivity

• difficulty judging social pacing

Sometimes we tell someone everything because we are hoping it will help us feel closer to them.

But closeness cannot be rushed.

True closeness must be earned.

Note on Neurodivergence

Many neurodivergent adults experience connection differently.

For some, sharing is a way of building trust and showing interest.

For some, excitement can lead to rapid conversation or impulsive sharing.

These traits are not character flaws.

In fact, many neurodivergent people bring incredible honesty, openness, and authenticity to relationships.

The goal of today's discussion is not to encourage masking or hiding who you are.

The goal is to recognize that different people have different comfort levels, communication styles, and pacing needs.

Sometimes the challenge isn't that what we shared was wrong. It’s the timing.

It's that the relationship had not yet developed enough trust to support that level of sharing.

Healthy relationships require adaptation from everyone involved.

The question is not: "How do I become less myself?"

The question is: "How do I stay authentic while giving new relationships room to grow more naturally?"

Private Reflection:

What feelings motivate you to overshare? Has this ever become an issue?

Importance of Healthy Pacing

Pacing is the key to allowing connections to grow naturally.

It's how we avoid accidentally overwhelming people.

It's how we avoid leading with intensity before trust has had time to develop.

When I tell clients to "slow down"— or as we often say at Constellations, "Slow is Safe" — I often hear:

"So I'm supposed to hold back?"

"Am I supposed to play games?"

"Am I supposed to hide who I am?"

No.

Healthy pacing is not about pretending to be someone you're not.

It is not about withholding your personality.

It is not about playing hard to get.

Healthy pacing simply means allowing the relationship to develop at a speed that both people can comfortably keep up with. Where trust can build over time and repeated positive experiences.

Healthy pacing allows both people to:

• feel safe

• maintain boundaries

• build trust

• evaluate compatibility

• decide whether they want greater closeness

Healthy pacing gives relationships room to breathe.

It allows us to gather information.

To observe.

To learn who someone really is.

Many people become emotionally invested based on how they feel.

But feelings are only one piece of the puzzle.

When relationships move too quickly, we risk committing before we've had enough information.

Before we've had enough shared experiences.

Before we've seen whether someone's actions align with their words.

Because words are easy.

Consistency is harder.

Trust is built through repeated experiences over time.

Not through emotional acceleration.

Not through intensity.

Not through forcing closeness before it is ready.

The goal isn't to slow down connection.

The goal is to give trust enough time to catch up with it.

Private Reflection

What helps you feel emotionally safe when getting to know someone?

What behaviors help trust grow for you?

The Campfire Model

Think of trust like building a campfire.

You do not dump every log onto the fire at once.

You add fuel gradually.

You see how the fire responds.

You build it over time.

Relationships work similarly.

A small personal disclosure.

Then another.

As trust develops, deeper conversations become more natural.

The goal is not to hide who you are.

The goal is to let people know you in stages.

Authenticity Does Not Mean Immediate Access

Again, a common misunderstanding:

"If I am being authentic, I should tell people everything."

Authenticity means being genuine.

It does not mean eliminating boundaries.

Healthy authenticity says:

"This is who I am."

Healthy pacing says:

"You will learn more about me as trust develops."

Both can exist together.

Final Thoughts

Many of us have been told we are too much, too intense, too emotional, too quiet, too different.

This discussion is not about becoming less authentic.

It is about learning how to pace connection so that relationships have room to grow.

The goal is not to hide yourself.

The goal is to give trust enough time to catch up with connection.
Connection can be instant.
Trust is earned.

As you leave tonight, consider:

Where in my life am I trying to speed up trust?

Because meaningful connection is not built through intensity.

It is built through trust. Trust comes from consistency, reciprocity, and time.