Match Their Message

One of our Constellations members asked to have a private coaching session.
As soon as he joined the Zoom, he said, “I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. My friends don’t seem to like me anymore.”

He told our coach that he meets people in person at meetups, has a good conversation, and they exchange numbers.
Then he texts them… and they stop responding.
He said, “I don’t know why they stop responding to my texts.”

So he and the coach looked at his text messages together.

His friends were texting things like,
“Are we still hanging out on Saturday?” or
“Hey! How are you?”
These were short messages. They asked one question.

Then he and the coach looked at the texts he replied with.
They were very long.

He answered their question, but also added a lot of details and follow-up questions.
His messages were often several paragraphs long.

The coach said, “I notice your friend sent a short message, and you sent a very long message back.”
He paused and looked back at the phone.
The coach continued, “If someone sent you a message this long, would you know what to say back right away?”
He thought about it and said, “Not really. I mean, I would need some time to think about what to respond.”

That’s the key. Nothing he said was wrong.
He was being thoughtful, detailed, and trying to connect by sharing.

But the issue wasn’t what he said. It was how much he said all at once.

Match Message Length

A simple rule that helps is to “match” the size of the message you receive.

If someone sends a short message, send a short message back.
If they ask one question, answer one question.

If someone says, “How are you?” you don’t need to explain your whole day.
You can say, “I’m good. Had a long day. How are you?”
That’s enough.

If someone says, “Are we still hanging out Saturday?” you can say, “Yes, I’m still free. Looking forward to it.”
That’s enough.

Texting works best when it goes back and forth in small pieces.
One message, then the other person responds, then you respond again.
If one message gets very long, it breaks that rhythm and could overwhelm the other person.
It’s best to save longer conversations for a phone callor when we you are together in-person.

What Happens

When someone sends a short message and gets a very long message back, it can feel confusing or overwhelming.
It can feel like a lot to read, and a lot to respond to, in one message.

Most people don’t know where to start.
So they send a short reply.
Or they wait.
Or they don’t respond at all because it feels overwhelming.

Not because they don’t like you.
Because the message was too long or time-consuming to respond to.

What if I like long messages?

Longer conversations can work really well in person, or once you know someone better.
But early on, over text, shorter messages make it easier for the other person to stay engaged.

If you tend to write long messages, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.
It usually means you’re thoughtful, you want to be understood, and you’re trying to connect by sharing a lot of details.

Those are good things.

You just don’t need to put all of it into one message.
You don’t need to say everything at once.
You can say a little now, and more later, if the person keeps texting you.
Again, it’s best to save longer conversations for a phone call or when you are together in-person.

Short and simple makes it easier for people to stay in the conversation with you.